I keep getting these subtle hints that I'm not quite acting my part as a 'lady'. Of course, as a girls, we get that where ever we go, but now I'm actually having to stop to think about what is right for me to do as a Christian and a progressive woman. Can't self expression and acting on my wants and dreams go hand in hand with being a good Christian Woman?
In my last blog post, I talked about how I'm a little bit of a hippy. For the most part, I find that Christianity and being a Hippy complement each other very well, and I often find myself wishing that more people would realize how similar the two lifestyles are (read: how similar they're supposed to be). However, Feminism and Christianity don't seem to get along very well, and I'm trying to find a balance between the two.
NOTE
When I say "Feminism", I do NOT mean the idea that men should be subservient to women, or that women are better than men, or that women are the only ones that are suffering. That is not Feminism. Feminism is the advocacy of women's rights and treatment on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men. Both men and women can be feminists, you just have to support the view that everyone should have equal rights, opportunity and treatment.
When I first went to church, I wasn't aware of what was expected of me as a Christian Woman. It was probably assumed that my Mom would tell me these things at home, but outside of the church, we didn't talk much about God. So, with the influence of the strong, amazing women in my life, I grew up to be a feminist before a Christian. Considering my lack of understanding of what it means to be a Christian at that time, I think it was a better idea to teach me confidence instead of teaching me my feminine role. If there was ever a something that needed context, it would be excerpts from the Bible. While my Mom taught me which clothes were and were not appropriate to wear, she was no advocate for turtlenecks and ankle-length skirts. She taught me to stand up for myself, and that there was no reason why I couldn't play trucks with the boys instead of playing with dolls. She taught me how to get dirt underneath my fingernails, paint on my clothes, and twigs in my hair.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not under the impression that God doesn't want me to be strong and confident. Some of the most amazing women that I know are God fearing, and participate in a traditionally Christian marriage, meaning that they look after the home and are subservient to their husbands. Now, I'm all for diving into Christianity. No toe-dipping for this girl! That being said, this is where the water gets a little too deep for my tastes. The feminist in me shrieks in horror when she hears the words "submission" and "subservient". Even if I didn't label myself as a feminist, I would still be hard headed and stubborn. I'm not very likely to do what my Mother tells me to do, let alone what my male counterpart tells me to do, and this is why it took me so long to really commit myself to reading the Bible and understanding the Word of God.
Ephesians 5:22-24 says, "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, it's body, and is himself it's Saviour. Now as the Church submits to Christ, so also should wives submit in everything to their husbands."
This is where I feel my stomach drop, and I'm overwhelmed with dread. I know that I don't have to act upon this quite yet, since my boyfriend and I aren't married, but it's verses like these that make me feel like a bad Christian. On good days, when I'm praising Christ and feeling great about my new-found faith, I still have this niggling little thought in the back of my brain, saying in that horrible sing-song voice, "you're not going to be able to do this". On bad days, I slightly regret becoming a Christian.
I KNOW. It's selfish, and shortsighted. It's very little to give for such a big return, but what can I say? I'm childish. I want to cry and stomp my foot, "But I don't WANNA do what my husband says. I want to do what I say!" It's not that I wouldn't trust him to make the right choices. And my friend explained it to me like this, "Everyone has their roles, Lindsay. A man's role is to make the decisions, a woman's role is to trust him. Doesn't it take so much of the pressure off?". Yes I suppose it would, but in my case, I think it would be replaced with the stress of not being in control. And aren't my thoughts valid? Don't I get a say in what goes on? I've spent most of my teenage years and my whole adult life (while it may be not long lived, yet) making my own decisions- making good ones and bad ones, and learning from both- and as soon as I'm married I'm supposed to just hand over the reins? I completely realize that arguing about this is like a two year old arguing with Mommy about the reasons why she should be able to have five cookies for breakfast. In the long run, I'm in no position to say that I really know what's best for me.
I'm learning to trust in God, and I'm definitely a work in progress, but why would God give me this brain if he didn't intend for me to use it?
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